I’m okay, I’m alright…

Hey everybody long time no update. I don’t recommend having a worldwide pandemic when you start working as a teacher it makes it insane absolutely insane. I’m currently okay physically, I’m alright mentally, emotionally I’m kind of a mess and work has been torturous because of the pandemic and not so much because of the crazy type of school I teach in shockingly enough.

I’m almost done with my master’s degree and I’m really looking forward to this pandemic being over so that I can have a moment to breathe and to return to you wonderful people. I cannot wait to finish my commissions, I know I’m a horrible human being because I didn’t finish them and so many of you I’m thankful haven’t sent me like death threats ( I definitely appreciate that). Also apparently, unbeknownst to me but obvious to everyone who’s ever met me in the history of the world, I have ADHD.

Most of my anxiety is because of my ADHD and most of my ADHD is the reason I have anxiety… Because I feel like I’m never doing enough!

So I need lots and lots of things to work on because I lose interest in things quickly or I see something shiny and I’m like ooh let me do that and then I panic because I have so much stuff to do…! And then I have anxiety over stupid things like answering emails or making phone calls or.. what am I going to say to the person if they answer the phone right away? or what did I just say yesterday and why am I a horrible person? Of course that isn’t the only excuse or technically even the best excuse for being years late on commissions big and small but it at least explains my absolute absurd stupidity and inability to get things done and then my ability to get a million things done all together… Of course I only found this out when I pretty much had a mental breakdown like a week and a half before the pandemic started lol. Medication helped a lot but I had to get off of them for now, so I live everyday the same way I always lived my life with racing thoughts and running around like a chicken with my head cut off always feeling like I’m not doing enough and I’m not good enough and if only I did more I would feel accomplished and some sort of satisfaction or happiness. It’s not fun.

I’ve both made a lot of art and pretty much no art in the past few years because I look at my artwork ( even the stuff I draw like for this versus my professional illustrations) and feel terrible about myself and that I’m unable to finish anything. I look at 14 year olds on Instagram and compare myself to them and just feel completely and utterly deflated. It’s so sad and funny, that I believe I’m capable of almost anything artistically and I teach kids and yet I feel like I can’t compare to them at times.

There’s also been a lot of deaths around me that have really shaken me to my core, but I’m trying to ignore the emotional upheaval and just carry on… Not the healthiest outlook but it’s what I need to do right now.

Sooo… That’s what’s up. I am absolutely looking forward to returning shortly maybe by the holidays? If I actually finish my Master’s degree on time I will be finished mid-December. I can’t wait to chat and draw all the things for everybody and feel like people are glaring at me too. Hurray???


Ps: The image is one I created using AI software, go to http://www.artbreeder.com to make yours. It’s a blast for new ideas for characters.

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